Monday, November 26, 2012

a lot in such a short time

well, as you can see, it's been a very long while since i last posted. a lot has happened so i will try to make it as interesting as possible and not bore you to death.

in 2009, the date of my last post, doug and i were busy raising our 3 kids and trying to prevent them from driving each other doug was still driving cross country and the kids and i were planning on taking short trips with him in the summer. alex, kirsten, and brandon all got to enjoy short trips with daddy. going to california as well as new york area. what a blast they all had. i went with him in december for several weeks and had an amazing time reconnecting with my husband and enjoying my first blizzard and lots of snow. in late december, just before Christmas, doug changed jobs and we decided to move to arkansas. a decision that would change our lives in more ways than we could have ever anticipated. on december the 26th, doug left out in his big truck heading to arkansas to turn the truck in, with me on his tail, pickup loaded with furniture and enough household items to get him set up in our new home. the new job was already secure and we just needed to get up there and get to setting up house. we dropped the truck off in little rock and took off to emerson, arkansas. we found the house and finally and got someone to help us with the heater (it was definitely a bit cooler in arkansas than south texas. lol). we unpacked what we could and spent the next 3 weeks enjoying the cooler weather and all the deer eating in the yard and each other when he wasn't working. on january 23rd, i left on a greyhound bus coming back to orange grove, tx to get packed up and prepare for kirstens 16th birthday party with a promise from doug that we would see him on feb 11th. i cried the whole trip home. yeah, i'm a crier. we talked often everyday. txting, chattin, messaging, you name it, we kept in touch. we couldn't wait to see each other again. love.....funny how it does that to you, huh? on feb 4th, he called me on his way home. it was sleeting and he was eating pizza on the way. it was about 1130 pm. he got to the house and went straight into the house, never turning on a light. just got undressed and crawled right into bed. told me he loved me and that he would talk to me in the morning. well, on the 5th of feb, i txtd him and he didn't answer. i figured he was busy on a location and couldn't get the phone. i tried calling and txting all morning and never got a response. well, arnd 11 or so, i txted him and simply asked, "are you ok?" about 30 minutes later a local sheriff pulled up in my dad's driveway. he was there to tell me that my doug was gone. he has died shortly after falling asleep due to carbon monoxide poisoning. you see, if he had just turned on the damn light, he would have seen the house full of odorless soot and would have never stayed there. so, 8 days before his little girl turned 16, he left this world to wait for us in our permanent home. that was the most horrible thing to ever have to do. tell your babies that their daddy is gone and not coming back. it's just not fair. but, we know that God has a plan and that all things work according to His plan and His timing.

for the most part, most of our days are pretty ok now. the first year was hell. i still don't know how i've managed to make a complete mess seem like so much more. luckily i have someone else in the driver seat cuz it could be really bad.

alex is now 20. kirsten is 18. and brandon is 12. alex and kirsten still struggle to find themselves. i can't imagine how difficult it is for them to not have both parents to lean on. i only wish i was enough. brandon displays a lot of jealousy for the fact that they got so much more time with daddy than he did. there's so much he wants to learn and i'm just not the person he wants teaching him. it breaks my heart to know that they struggle and can't come to grips with where we are now.

what makes it even more heartbreaking? i knew when we were at that bus station that it was the last time i would ever see him. i had the worst feeling about it in my stomach and in my heart. i begged him to let me stay and he said the kids needed me and it wasn't like i would never see him again. then he kissed me and told me he loved me more now than ever. i have played all the shoulda coulda woulda's over and over in my mind. there's no sense to make of it except to say that only God knows what He's doing.

now i work at dollar general in orange grove, tx as an assistant manager. we are renting to own a mobile home and a couple acres of land. days go by so quickly and days go by so slowly. still putting the pieces back together. i've been in 1 relationship since doug's death and unfortunately lost lyn to a stomach anuerism in early 2011. i went on 1 disastrous date and was just thankful that it was only a date and not some arranged nightmare, uh, date. definitely learned that there are creeps my age and made me even more worried about what my daughter faces. ugh.

i did spend some time with an old friend over the thanksgiving week this year. we had an awesome time and rekindled some affection for one another. i hope that this is the answer to a prayer. short version, i asked God to mend my heart. make me whole again. make me worthy in someone else's eyes other than my kids cuz i sure don't see anything about me that is worthy. this man is kind and compassionate. he makes me laugh and lets me cry. he wants to know everything i'm thinking whether it's good or bad, concerning him or someone or something else. he doesn't feel threatened when i need to talk about what me and the kids feel concerning dougs being gone. he simply lets me be.

he was with me when i was pregnant with alex, though he is not alex's biological dad. and now he has come back into my life and made me feel like a person rather than just a mom with a lot of emotional baggage. i love his eyes and his smile. his sense of humor is great. and the fact that he is interested in me after 20+ years is amazing. lol. we have both decided that whatever God leads us to is what we will do. one step at a time, one day at a time.

there's so much more i could tell you about. i will cover more details throughout this blog experience. mostly, this is just a way for me to put it down and try to let some of it go. i tend to internalize things too much and become obsessed with stuff. definitely not good for me mentally or emotionally but that's who i am. if you hurt, i hurt. if i don't let some of my hurt go, i'm afraid it will hurt others. and i couldn't bear that.

i hope my post hasn't bored you to snore. lol. praying that whoever reads this will get a glimpse into my harsh reality and see that although i have face the unimaginable, i am stronger than i was because i didn't have to go through it alone. God is on my side. better yet, i'm on His side. praising God everyday for the simple things. those are the ones that mean the most.

until next time, (and i promise it won't be 2 years). lol

Monday, October 12, 2009

More about Us

I have been really lonely lately. The kids are in school, and my husband is on the road again. He has been gone since the beginning of August. Normally he is only gone for 5 to 6 weeks. This time has been extended, unfortunately, to help us get caught up on some bills. He drives a truck cross country. I went with him for a month during the summer. It was nice to reconnect with him. We have been married almost 17 years. We live near my parents so they took care of the kids for us. The only problem is that it made me miss him so much more. He has had local jobs for the past 7 years or so and he was home most every night. Then we had to relocate to south Texas again and he couldn't find a local job here. Had to take what we could get. I don't work and it would be great to go with him on the truck again but I can't leave the kids. Kirsten is in 9th grade and I want to be here for all of her freshman year fun. She has struggled with school in previous years and I want to be here to help her out. Drama for a 15 year old is much easier to handle when mom is around, I think. Brandon is in 3rd grade. He struggles with reading and spelling daily. He is dyslexic as well as color blind. He hates to read. He hates to spell. We spend alot of our evenings just gritting our teeth and trying not to rip up all the homework papers. I can't in good faith leave them. They don't get the help they need when I'm gone. It makes it really hard when I want to see Doug. I will get to see him this weekend though. He is taking his time off in Louisiana and Arkansas. I am going to drive up there Friday and spend the weekend with him. The kids are okay with me going for the weekend. No homework to miss out on. Woo Hoo.

Doug and I have been together for the better part of 23 years. We started dating when I was 13 and he was 17. I knew I loved him the moment I saw him. I told all of my friends that I was going to marry him. We dated for 2 years and then he moved to California with his family for a job. I was devastated. We moved to Corpus Christi shortly after that and I figured that my dream would never come true. When I was 17 he tracked me down. We talked on the phone for about a year. I didn't want him to come visit. I was afraid he would just leave and break my heart again. I finally decided that this was the chance I had been waiting for and if I was gonna follow my dream I had better do it. We got married in 1992. I hate being away from him. If I could have the perfect job where he was home everyday, I would. He is getting burned out being gone so long. He enjoys his job but he has just about had enough of this extended time away. We are hoping that this is the last time he has to be gone so long. Hopefully the longest from now on will be 4 to 5 weeks. That's still a long time but it is more acceptable than 10 weeks.

We have 3 kids that are doing much better since I am no longer working. Alex is still being a typical teen. 17 and lazy. Wants to make money the "easy" way. He has been in trouble with drugs a couple of times. You think that you are doing right raising your kids. We don't drink, we don't do drugs, we don't smoke. We go to church, we are faithful to one another and to our kids. But there is always something more that they think they are missing out on because they don't have enough money or a ride. I hope he learned his lesson this time. 18 days in jail for a 17 year old should teach a lesson, or at least I hope it does.

Kirsten is a typical 15 year old girl. She is a freshman and has a great personality most of the time. She is bubbly, fun, and smart. She does tend to be attitudey but I guess that's to be expected. She hasn't given us too much trouble except always needing a ride somewhere. She is involved in choir, FCCLA, FCA, and church. She has a new boyfriend that we really like so far. He is a country boy who likes to ride horses, play guitar, sing, and go to church. His parents are pretty strict about school work too. I like it alot. He is going to play for her at the fair talent show. She wants to sing Broken by Lyndsy Haun. She seems happy which makes me happy.

Brandon is 9. He loves hot wheels, airplanes, and watching movies. He is currently obsessed with Star Wars. He is hyper so of course he takes medicine for that. He struggles with school work. He hates that there are no kids his age where we live. He has no one to play with except for his older brother who is normally too busy for him. He struggles with bullies at school. He is very soft hearted which makes him a target for mean kids that have no feelings or discipline. Parents don't teach their kids respect anymore. They send them to school and expect the teachers to work miracles so they can gloat about how well adjusted their kids are. All the while, other children suffer because their parents try to teach them to respect other kids, to not fight with them, to try to get along, and not bully others. It makes it very difficult to console a child that comes home crying because a kid he thought was his friend has decided to pick on him and make him the butt of his jokes. All I want to do is go to his house and spank him and his momma for being so hateful. Kids learn these things at home. How do you protect your kids from pain and humiliation? How do you make them understand that it's not fair and it's not right? How do you get them to understand that even though some parents allow and even teach their kids to act this way, it's not okay for them to do it? Being a bad parent is obviously easy. It should be the other way around. Good parenting should be the norm. But good parents suffer right along with their kids. It isn't fair that the kids should be treated this way by other kids and their parents as well. It's hard to tell who the bad guys are anymore.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

the reason for my blog title

let me tell you a little about who i am. i am, first, a daughter. my dad is probably one of the funniest people i know. he helped me realize that it's ok to laugh at yourself. sometimes it's the best medicine of all. to be able to see the humor amidst the sad, the ugly, the depressing, or the just plain unimaginable. i must admit that sometimes i laugh harder at the people who find me funny, than they are actually laughing at me. i also have him to thank for my temper. i am not the type of person to brew in my own juices and let it all blow up anymore. i learned a while back that it only hurts me the most and i don't mind hurting someone's feelings, especially if they have a lesson to learn as well. my mom is my hero, my best friend, my anything and everything. not a moment goes by that i can't find some reason to thank her for. she gave me my heart. because of her i am a truly compassionate person. when she loves, it is with all she has. and sometimes even more. she knows that life is short and now is the best time to do it, whatever it may be. she has given me freedom to develop a me that i can live with. she showed me that friends are not what you make of them, but what you let them help make of you. she showed me that it's ok to be wrong, but it's also ok to be right. she showed me how to be a mom that kids can be proud to call their own. she taught me to cook. she taught me to drive. she taught me to pray. she taught me to be independent and self reliant. she taught me to love with every ounce of energy i have. she continues to teach and inspire me everyday. my brother kenneth probably thought i was the devil's advocate when we were kids. i am the oldest, he is the next in line. 2.5 years apart and we were inseparable. we played in the mud, he taught me to throw a football, and he showed me that it's ok for girls to have guy friends. he also taught me that if my friend was a beautiful blue eyed brunette, he was gonna make her his best friend. he did. and that's ok. my brother o.j. (no not simpson) was my first experiment in babysitting. turned into a lucrative business when i was growing up. 9 years younger than me, he taught me that if it needs stitches, don't try to put a bandaid on it cuz you're gonna lose a bandaid. he was the king of busted everything when we were kids and he seemed to smile through it all. i figure he inherited some of my insanity issues to handle it so well. he still smiles through it all. my brother james, 11 years younger than me, was my first experience in the substitute mommy setting. turned out i was pretty good at it. he was smiling from the time he was born. he had the most wonderful sense of humor. he knew he was the funniest thing to laugh at. and he laughed at himself plenty. so did everyone else. he taught me what it's like to survive the most awful and horrendous event of your life. he taught me the true meaning of forgiveness. then i learned how to survive losing him in a car accident at 17. my husband doug, teaches me everyday, that even at my worst, i'm still worth it. for almost 20 years he has been the other half of me. he reminds me that i am funny occassionally, but also that i am occassionally not so funny. and it's ok. he is the light of my day. my son alex is 17 and likes himself almost as much as i like me. he is funny, charismatic, charming and smart. he just forgets it alot. my little girl kirsten is 15 and isn't so little anymore. she is the kind of girl that everyone likes to have as a friend. no matter who they know or what group they are in, they tend to gravitate to her. i was like that once upon a time. she is pretty, smart, and easy going no matter what. my little guy brandon is 9. he was 6 days late and hasn't caught up with time yet. he's in no hurry to do anything except get a lot of money and buy a corvette. and i think he will do it. these 3 kids remind me everyday that even when it's bad, or hard, or just unfaceable, i am not alone. thank God they accept me as i am cuz it's all their fault.

if you know me, then you have a firsthand knowledge of these wonderful people in my life. if you are not listed above, trust me, there's more to come and you will be listed. you know that the best of me is really only because of those with me. this is only a small dose of the best of me. you will hear more about these people and you will get to know them eventually. and because of them, you will get to know.....the best of me.