Monday, November 26, 2012

a lot in such a short time

well, as you can see, it's been a very long while since i last posted. a lot has happened so i will try to make it as interesting as possible and not bore you to death.

in 2009, the date of my last post, doug and i were busy raising our 3 kids and trying to prevent them from driving each other doug was still driving cross country and the kids and i were planning on taking short trips with him in the summer. alex, kirsten, and brandon all got to enjoy short trips with daddy. going to california as well as new york area. what a blast they all had. i went with him in december for several weeks and had an amazing time reconnecting with my husband and enjoying my first blizzard and lots of snow. in late december, just before Christmas, doug changed jobs and we decided to move to arkansas. a decision that would change our lives in more ways than we could have ever anticipated. on december the 26th, doug left out in his big truck heading to arkansas to turn the truck in, with me on his tail, pickup loaded with furniture and enough household items to get him set up in our new home. the new job was already secure and we just needed to get up there and get to setting up house. we dropped the truck off in little rock and took off to emerson, arkansas. we found the house and finally and got someone to help us with the heater (it was definitely a bit cooler in arkansas than south texas. lol). we unpacked what we could and spent the next 3 weeks enjoying the cooler weather and all the deer eating in the yard and each other when he wasn't working. on january 23rd, i left on a greyhound bus coming back to orange grove, tx to get packed up and prepare for kirstens 16th birthday party with a promise from doug that we would see him on feb 11th. i cried the whole trip home. yeah, i'm a crier. we talked often everyday. txting, chattin, messaging, you name it, we kept in touch. we couldn't wait to see each other again. love.....funny how it does that to you, huh? on feb 4th, he called me on his way home. it was sleeting and he was eating pizza on the way. it was about 1130 pm. he got to the house and went straight into the house, never turning on a light. just got undressed and crawled right into bed. told me he loved me and that he would talk to me in the morning. well, on the 5th of feb, i txtd him and he didn't answer. i figured he was busy on a location and couldn't get the phone. i tried calling and txting all morning and never got a response. well, arnd 11 or so, i txted him and simply asked, "are you ok?" about 30 minutes later a local sheriff pulled up in my dad's driveway. he was there to tell me that my doug was gone. he has died shortly after falling asleep due to carbon monoxide poisoning. you see, if he had just turned on the damn light, he would have seen the house full of odorless soot and would have never stayed there. so, 8 days before his little girl turned 16, he left this world to wait for us in our permanent home. that was the most horrible thing to ever have to do. tell your babies that their daddy is gone and not coming back. it's just not fair. but, we know that God has a plan and that all things work according to His plan and His timing.

for the most part, most of our days are pretty ok now. the first year was hell. i still don't know how i've managed to make a complete mess seem like so much more. luckily i have someone else in the driver seat cuz it could be really bad.

alex is now 20. kirsten is 18. and brandon is 12. alex and kirsten still struggle to find themselves. i can't imagine how difficult it is for them to not have both parents to lean on. i only wish i was enough. brandon displays a lot of jealousy for the fact that they got so much more time with daddy than he did. there's so much he wants to learn and i'm just not the person he wants teaching him. it breaks my heart to know that they struggle and can't come to grips with where we are now.

what makes it even more heartbreaking? i knew when we were at that bus station that it was the last time i would ever see him. i had the worst feeling about it in my stomach and in my heart. i begged him to let me stay and he said the kids needed me and it wasn't like i would never see him again. then he kissed me and told me he loved me more now than ever. i have played all the shoulda coulda woulda's over and over in my mind. there's no sense to make of it except to say that only God knows what He's doing.

now i work at dollar general in orange grove, tx as an assistant manager. we are renting to own a mobile home and a couple acres of land. days go by so quickly and days go by so slowly. still putting the pieces back together. i've been in 1 relationship since doug's death and unfortunately lost lyn to a stomach anuerism in early 2011. i went on 1 disastrous date and was just thankful that it was only a date and not some arranged nightmare, uh, date. definitely learned that there are creeps my age and made me even more worried about what my daughter faces. ugh.

i did spend some time with an old friend over the thanksgiving week this year. we had an awesome time and rekindled some affection for one another. i hope that this is the answer to a prayer. short version, i asked God to mend my heart. make me whole again. make me worthy in someone else's eyes other than my kids cuz i sure don't see anything about me that is worthy. this man is kind and compassionate. he makes me laugh and lets me cry. he wants to know everything i'm thinking whether it's good or bad, concerning him or someone or something else. he doesn't feel threatened when i need to talk about what me and the kids feel concerning dougs being gone. he simply lets me be.

he was with me when i was pregnant with alex, though he is not alex's biological dad. and now he has come back into my life and made me feel like a person rather than just a mom with a lot of emotional baggage. i love his eyes and his smile. his sense of humor is great. and the fact that he is interested in me after 20+ years is amazing. lol. we have both decided that whatever God leads us to is what we will do. one step at a time, one day at a time.

there's so much more i could tell you about. i will cover more details throughout this blog experience. mostly, this is just a way for me to put it down and try to let some of it go. i tend to internalize things too much and become obsessed with stuff. definitely not good for me mentally or emotionally but that's who i am. if you hurt, i hurt. if i don't let some of my hurt go, i'm afraid it will hurt others. and i couldn't bear that.

i hope my post hasn't bored you to snore. lol. praying that whoever reads this will get a glimpse into my harsh reality and see that although i have face the unimaginable, i am stronger than i was because i didn't have to go through it alone. God is on my side. better yet, i'm on His side. praising God everyday for the simple things. those are the ones that mean the most.

until next time, (and i promise it won't be 2 years). lol

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